Parental Alienation Syndrome it’s closer than you think!
What you hoped would be “happily ever after” has just turned onto the entrance ramp of a long and twisted highway. You now find yourself riding along with over 50% of other married couples in the United States who are also traveling down this highway. It’s the highway that leads to divorce. Nothing prepares you for what’s up ahead. Instead of a journey it becomes an act of survival as you are forced to hang on for the ride. And just when you feel as though you have what it takes to ride it out, you begin to experience behaviors from your soon to be ex-spouse you never dreamed possible. Confused and uncertain of what lies ahead, you do your best to maintain some sense of stability in your life. After all, you’ve got to take care of your kids!
Just days ago you were taking your children to the park, ball games, anywhere you wished with no restrictions other than your own personal schedule. Now you are allowed only to be with your children as ordered by the court. At bedtime you look over at their empty beds and it almost kills you to be separated from them. Finally it’s your weekend to be together again. Anxiously you’ve been waiting for your allotted time to be reunited. But lately you’ve begun to notice a change. They seem a little more distanced. Their conversation with you has become a little more “matter of fact” and less personal. You think to yourself that it must just be the divorce. Later, your little girl comes over and sits down beside you and lowers her head. “What’s the matter?” you ask. She continues to stare down at the floor and in a meek, quiet little voice she whispers, “Nothing.” You respond by saying, “C’mon baby, Daddy knows you better than that. Are you afraid you’ll get in trouble with Memaw if you love Daddy?” The pressure put on her by the “other side” is too much! She nods her head “yes” and begins to sob uncontrollably. You try to wipe away her tears and her fears, but there’s really not much you can say or do.
Recently a close friend of mine told me about an article, which ran in the Sunday December 5, 2010 edition of the Denver Post entitled, “Parental Alienation”. She knew I had experienced this traumatic blow first hand and made mention of what a great article it was. Several days later I received the copy that she sent me and I agree, it was indeed a great article and published none too soon!
It seems as though very few people are aware of parental alienation syndrome (PAS) unless, or until it happens to them. It is a horrific form of child abuse and some experts estimate that 200,000 U.S. children have the disorder PAS.
The intention of the alienating parent is to deny the other parent access to their child or children. It happens by slowly and methodically destroying the affectional bond that the child has for the other parent. For the alienated parent, the pain is almost unbearable. Tragically however, it is the children who suffer far more.
The children involved in such cases have been thrust into a churning sea of confusion, as they feel obligated to remain loyal towards the hostile parent. By the way, hostility can be subtle and quite often goes undetected… yet the venom of its fangs when injected into the hearts of its victims is ever so deadly. The influence of that parent is unrelenting, and the children are compelled to choose sides. As they do, their inherent bond of affection for the other parent disintegrates, causing emotional pain and heartache not only in the other parent, but also within themselves. Without some sort of intervention, they will remain captives to this emotional pain and heartache for the rest of their lives.
As I continued to read through the article, I was astonished to read that some women’s groups have gone so far as to pronounce PAS bogus, calling it, ”A false accusation made by abusive fathers against mothers in an unscrupulous effort to deflect attention away from them and onto the mothers.” I would think it safe to say that many of those women are probably also mothers. One would think that as a mother, they would realize this isn’t about men vs. women or male vs. female. This is about raising emotionally healthy children. Perhaps some of the women in those groups happen to be wearing the shoe of PAS on their own foot, and are attempting to deflect the attention away from their own closet… just a thought!
According to the article in the Denver Post, Judith Ray, a licensed family therapist in Colorado Springs, stated: “Women used to be thought of as the main perpetrators of parental alienation, but no longer. Fifty percent are men. Those men tend to be narcissistic, characterized by a sense of entitlement, arrogance and low empathy. Female alienators often have borderline personalities, marked by insecurity, neediness, a strong fear of abandonment and chronic emptiness.”
Regardless of which gender may be the perpetrator, this is a deviant form of child abuse and is long overdue to receive our attention! First and foremost, we must remember that this is about the children! We must refrain from any behavior that would influence or cause children to turn their affection from another parent. Your pain and mine can wait if it has too. By the way, it is possible to successfully overcome that pain. Perhaps I can share how with you at a later date. But for now, I want to make it clear that it’s time that we, as a community and as individuals recognize and aggressively address this issue. If you happen to be going through a divorce, keep the divorce related issues between the two of you and never involve the children.
Remember that nothing is as bad as it first appears! There is so much that lies ahead of you! When you let go of the way you think it should have been and grab hold of what is in front of you, your life will begin to have purpose and meaning. Begin to adopt the mind-set that your children not only deserve both parents, but also need both parents. Regardless of how you feel!
“Make the moments matter, for the memories you give will be with them forever.” Author unknown
I think we all would agree that our children are precious and we want the best for them. So keep in mind that what affects them now, will influence what happens in their lives later. If we truly love our children and want the best for them, we will guard their little hearts from issues beyond their comprehension. Their hearts are not trash containers for our emotional garbage. So lets make a conscious decision to give our children the wonderful life they deserve!
They’re just kids, let’s allow them to be kids! Let’s be the adults. Okay?
